tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central October 2, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PDT
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: tonight, a deadly virus hit america. president obama, it is time to reinforce our salad bar sneeze guards. then, a battle over our nation's nations. i have had it up to here, until the tide goes out, and then i've had it down to here. and my guest, lynn sherr, has been covering nasa since 1981, that's 33 in earth years. adam sandler has signed a four-movie deal with netflix. be deal. i get unlimited movies from them. this is the "colbert report." ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much for joining us tonight, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ). thank you. folks-- ladies and gentlemen -- thank you for being here. in there. out there, all around the world. everyone watching on satellite right now and on the the wireless. folks, let's face it, there's only one story to talk about tonight and that is ebola.
the first thing you have to know-- do not touch me. ( laughter ) okay, because if you do, if you do, i will cut you. ( laughter ) okay. them i will clean up very thoroughly. folks, for weeks we've heard about thi this deadly pandemic taking hold and in who cares-istan. but now-- >> breaking right now the first confirmed case of ebola right here in the united states. >> the first case of ebola diagnosed in the united states. a man in texas, now in isolation. >> ebola, it's here. >> it is here, ebola. >> ebola, here. >> stephen: yes, ebola here. ( laughter ) folks, that is crap-your-pant terrifying in that crap your pant is one of the symptoms of ebola. and now that the virus has hit america, it's only a matter of time before it infects us all. i mean what's what happened with iggy azalea. ( laughter ) so it is time for tonight's. >> apocalypse now.
ebola in america. 50 states of graves. >> stephen: by the way, that exploding graphic just spread ebola all over the inside of your tv screen. remember, folks, anybody can get ebola just by coming in contact with an infebted purpose's bodily fluids, including blood, sweat, feces, vomit, semen, and spit. so you might want to avoid the next gathering of the juggalos. ( laughter ) and i won't be fooled into staying calm by the so-called experts with their so-called medical degrees and their so-called fingers. and neither will the fox and friend. >> ebola is-- is not as contablous. it's a very infectious virus, but it's not as contagious. >> you have a very calm tone. i think it must come by nature with what you do professionally, doctor. but i think the rest of us are saying, wait a minute. >> i wonder if they're just trying not to panic us or them.
>> again, it's because-- those-- sorry. >> stephen: did you hear that cough! did you hear that cough? ( cheers and applause ) come on! she clearly has ebola! and see, now do all the foxes and friend. ( cheers and applause ). thank god, thank god-- yes, they're like tinkerbell, you have to clap to keep them alive. and if we do lose one of them thank god there's a spare doocy. fortunately, folks, for every medical professional out there reassuring us there's a tv professional rescaring us. >> you'll vomit untrollably. you'll need blooed from your nose, eyes, eerkz elsewhere. your organs will start to fail. your skin will become yellowish with jaundice, and the bleeding becomes severe. and there is no cure. >> stephen: no cure? i thought nyquil was the
sniffling, fever, jaundice, bleeding from the mouth, nose, eyes so you can rest immediate. and with our government just clueless about this crisis, once again it falls to the pundit sector to solve it. >> should we be stopping flights from these ebola hot zones in west africa? >> why are we not stopping air travel liberia and other nations? >> why are we allowing these flights into the u.s. right now? >> should we just isolate the countries that are experiencing this is this. >> stephen: clearly we have to cut off all contact with places with ebola, starting with a border wall around texas. listen-- ( cheers and applause ) listen-- listen, i know you guys always wanted to be your own country. well, congratulations, guy, your founding father is rick perry. ( laughter ) ( applause ) even that might not be enough. we got to treat this like the zombie apocalypse. i say we re-route the keystone oil pipeline into the mississippi river and set that
( bleep ) on fire! okay? ( cheers and applause ) it serves you right. it serves you right for having radio stations that begin with "k." everyone over there, every on that side of the river is going to have to take one for the team, but remember, there's no "i" in mississippi. folks, these are clearly the end times, and i hope you're spending them with your closest loved ones. i am spending them with someone i never met before. please welcome the head of the infection control program at memorial sloan kettering hospital, dr. kent sepkowitz. doctor thank you for joining us. >> thank you for having me here. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: doctor, doctor, thank you so much for being here. ( laughter ) be honest-- how much yourin and feces were you handling backstage before you came here? >> nan who soever. >> stephen: i'll check the web-cam. >> i might have to rethink it. none whatsoever.
>> stephen: what are the odds that i'm going to get ebola? >> zero. next question. >> stephen: come on. what do you mean zero? what you mean zero? that's what the president said. upon president said it's unlikely we're going to get an outbreak of ebola in the united states. and now he's turned out to be wrong. you're saying you're reiter than the president? >> i'm reiter than the president. >> stephen: really. >> yes. there's actual science behind this. >> stephen: he said unlikely. you said said zero percent. you're going in the other direction. the proof is we have it now in america. >> we have one case now. there is actual science behind this. this is not rumor and punditocracy doing this. there have been studies. we have had 20 outbreaks of ebola in the last 40 years. >> stephen: never one this bad. >> never one this bad. we know how it's transmitted. we even know how it's transmitted in the household. in the household it's not even that contablous, and that's when you have a sick mom or dad and there are family members.
one in seven family members comes down with ebola, even in that close confine. >> stephen: this guy-- seven family members -- this guy, what are they saying now, this guy may have exposed ebola up to 100 people. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: does ebola make you popular? >> it makes you very popular. >> stephen: 100 people. that's a lot of people. >> that's texas numbers. what can i tell you. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: one of us-- one of us is taking this seriously. >> one of us is. >> stephen: so what can i do-- what can i do to avoid ebola? >> i think you actually said it-- don't get physically close to someone hois bleeding to death would be my main advice. >> stephen: okay. >> it's very clear that the amount of virus in blood is sky high in someone who is infectious. >> stephen: okay. >> and the only way to get infected is to touch that blood bare handed or smear it on your face which maybe you would be inclined to do. i don't know. ( laughter ).
>> stephen: it depend on how good the party is. ( cheers and applause ) >> but i think that even though we've had a seven-month outbreak, you know, numbering now in 7,000-plus cases, this is not that contagious a disease which i know all of us keep saying? >> stephen: the pretet lady on tv said no cure. >> no cure. >> stephen: okay? is there no cure for this? >> the body's own immune system is the only cure. there is not an approved drug. >> stephen: what about somewhaz-map?i'm a clebt and caf other people can't. >> we have a hand full of people who have gotten z-map. z-map might or might not work. the studies are not in yet. >> stephen: card on the table time, all right. does someone else come down with ebola because this guy had ebola somebody in texas? >> there might be one secondary
case, there might be two secondary case. >> stephen: so there could be 100% increase in ebola in the united states. >> that is correct. >> stephen: thank you for that shocking news, doctor. >> thank you. >> stephen: dr. kent sepkowitz, memorial sloan kettering cancer center. we'll be right back, maybe. thank you. ( cheers
( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much. good to see you. welcome back. nation, i gotta tell you-- and i don't suppose it's necessarily any kind of news flash right now, but being rich is great. the only drawback is sometimes you encounter people who have less money than you have. and what we rich people want more than anything else is to feel separate in our exclusiveness. this is a state known add solitocity. it's a secret word that only rich people use. ( laughter ) it's on the special s.a.t. that we don't have to take because the college has a building named after us. this need for exclusivity is why we have our own private jets, our own private islands, even our own private parts. ( laughter ) i mean, imagine going through life with only one set of genitals. i pity you. ( laughter ) we need to be away from you normals can which is why i was so inspired by an innovation and
exclusivity pioneered by vinod hosla, a silicon valley zillionaire and barack obama vindaloo. khosla owns 53 acres of beached front property on the pacific coast but because of some dumb rule that you can't buy the ocean, the unwashed masss kept up-washing on his beach near his property and he took action. >> khosla gained control to the only road to the beach, built a gate, and called the cops. families who had flocked here for generations were suddenly shut out. >> stephen: you know what they say-- you can't buy happenness, but khosla proved you can buy other people sadness. unfortunately, khosla's plan hit a bump in the roadblock. >> the judge has ruled against a billionaire who closed off access to martins beach, even though khosla owns the 53-acre beachfront property, the entire california coast below the high tide line is actually public
property. >> stephen: khosla is a trend-setter and other opulent americans are already following in his footsteps on the beach. this time there's only one set in the sand. because jesus couldn't get past the gates. ( laughter ) jim. >> that hasn't stopped other beached front home owners from installing fake "no parking" signs, hiding access points and disguising some curbs as fire lanes. >> stephen: yes, they're keeping the public away with fake fire lanes in front of their house which, as a bonus, the fire department can use to park their trucks when an angry mob sets fire to their house. but best of all-- ( applause ) best of all of these guys-- ( applause ) best of all is california media mogul david geffen who is evidently tired of beachgoers parking near his house and he found an ingenious new way to tell them to geff off my lawn.
>> these are designed to look like garage doors but they're not actually garage doors. it looks like you can't park here, but if you look really, really closely, these are actually sealed shut. >> stephen: yes, these fake garage doors are keeping beachgoers away and if he paint a tunnel on them he can finally defeat that coyote. ( laughter ) ( applause ) folks, i applaud-- you applaud and i applaud these trailblazers because as a wealth-american, i too suffer the indignity of shierg the world with others. it's so distasteful driving on the same road with the normally monied. now i drive wherever i want because i have a yield sign attached to my front bumper. but once i get where i'm going, i still want the privacy. that's why now i always travel with my own velvet-roped vched i.p. section. yes. ( cheers and applause ) this-- this creates an
inpenetrable zone of solitocity around my neck. now not only am i living in the champagne room, but it comes with a getaway strap so at a moment's notice i can escape the rabble. i just use my remote control, and then once the strap descend, i merely attach the strap to this, and if i run into any hoi-ploy, i merely whisk myself away to a resort so exclusive no one has ever returned. jimmy! jimmy! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) introducing nexium 24hr
news. you covered the nasa space program from 1981 to 96, and you became friend with astronaut sally ride and you have a new obamacare a biography of sally ride, your friend, "america's first woman in space." >> i do. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: what year was sally ride the first woman in space? >> 1983. >> stephen: 1983. the russians had already beaten us to the punch. >> twice. >> stephen: twice. >> two russian women had already gone up, one in '63, and one in '82. >> stephen: how come if we were in a cold war we let the riewskies beat us with the space ladies. >> what a good question. >> stephen: thank you, it's what i do for a living. why did we not prioritize this the same way russia did? >> nasa didn't think women were a priority. first there was the race to get to the moon-- boo is right. but before sally ride flew, the only three females nasa has
flown were two spiders and a monkey. women were in the lowest paying jobs in nasa, and by the time nasa got around to recruiting women, which was 1976, the rest of the country had pretty much figured that out already, but they got there. and once they got there, they went for it. so it had been a men's club of, a white men's club, and then along came their recruitment for women and minorities and the world change. >> stephen: well, white men's club was there for a while but i gotta say, i do admire what sale ride did. how long was she in training before she went into space? >> well, she got to nasa in 1978. she was in training and named as the first american woman to fly in 1982. and she flew in 1983. so he had all that training and then she had one year of really, really intensive training right before she flew. >> stephen: what does that mean, really intensive training? what do you have to do? what were the physical
requirements? were there some physical things they thought women couldn't do that you had to do for space space? >> everything. >> stephen: women can float upside down, i would imagine that. >> they certainly can. >> stephen: what do they have to do? >> the same thing the men do. >> stephen: i don't know what those are, either. >> there was no difference in the training. the men and women trained exactly alike. they had to learn how to jump out of a parachute -- >> stephen: hopefully out of a plane but in the parachute. jumping out of the parachute is very tough. that is very tough training. >> but, you know, the astronauts are very smart, so-- they had to do water survival training. had to learn how all the gadgets and all the switches in the shuttle, what is going on, how to make it work. >> stephen: did her name help in the choosing process? for nasa? her name is sally ride. was she up against like emily sipkowitz. >> here's what is amazing, her real name it's ride family name goes back about 400 years in
england. no, her name actually didn't have anything to do with it. >> stephen: didn't help at all? nasa didn't like it? >> no. >> stephen: it looked great on a publicity release. >> you're right. i'll ask. i'll double check that. >> stephen: please do, please do. >> stephen: it was revealed in her obituary, the last line of her obituary-- tell the people the last line of her obituary. >> it was that she was survived by her sister and her mother and her partner of 27 years, tam oshaughnessy. >> stephen: not every obituary has a plot twist right at the end. it's revealed that she had been a lesbian. >> yeah. >> stephen: the entire time or did space do that to her? because that's what happened with the fantastic four. the cosmic rays-- the cosmic rays and they got all fantastic. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> well, it's kind of a mixed story. but she got together with tam in 1987. >> stephen: so after going to space. >> after going to space. >> stephen: okay, yes, all right. >> and, you know, it was a
different time. the world was then not accepting, let alone recognizing same-sex couples, and sally chose to keep it private. she was a very private individual. >> stephen: no biographies, no movies about her. >> nothing in her lifetime. and this only came about because her partner wanted the biography done after sally died. sally died in 2012 at the age of 61, two years ago. she never-- i spoke to her many times about it. she was a very close friend, and she never wanted a biography, an adult biography. there are a lot of kids biographies out there. but she never wanted a grown-up biography. and i think part of it was she was protecting nasa. she didn't want to have nasa have to deal with the issue of dealing with a woman who was gay, who had been in space. >> stephen: did she see herself or did she feel her role was an icon of science or of feminism? because both of those frighten
me. ( laughter ) i don't understand them. i don't understand them. >> you know what, i have to tell, you would have really liked her. >> stephen: would i? >> you would have really liked her because the answer is both. she felt both as a feminist and scientist. she believed women could do anything. she grew up with parents who believed women could do anything. but she also believed science was going to save the planet. when she was up in space, she looked back at earth, she saw what she called the san royal blue line of the earth's atmosphere, such a fragile situation. without that atmosphere, we wouldn't be here. she would sometimes call it as thin as the fuzz on a tennis ball-- she was a tennis player as well. and she devoted her life in large part to making sure that we protect the planet and she wanted girls, especially young girls, to study science so thaibd do that. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: well, the book is "sale ride: america's first
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> 11:59, 59 second this happened on tumblr today, yesterday was the an verse av worldy in orlando and the internet celebrated. (laughter) (applause) you're very right. but because of where are you sitting you prly